Imagine yourself sat in a restaurant celebrating a friends birthday surrounded by people you know. You're catching up on all the gossip and opening presents. When all of a sudden you get a thought, a thought that should instantly leave your head but it decides to stay. You then become very hot and can't focus on what anyone is saying, your heart starts to race and you start to feel physically sick. You need to leave the situation immediately and get to the safe surroundings of home.
Well that was what happened to me one night last month when I suffered from what was for me just a mild panic attack. Anxiety and panic attacks are something I've struggled with for the past two years and is mainly travel and sickness related, happening mostly on planes or public transport. However lately it has moved more into everyday life and has affected going out with friends, attending uni and going to work. I warn that it's going to be a long post but I urge you to read it to the end.
Mental health is not talked about as much as it should be and most people don't know how to react to the subject, I should also say that my experience with anxiety could be completely different to the next person's as it covers a variety of triggers and symptoms. I am writing this post to help people understand what some people go through and symptoms to maybe look out for in friends, family members and strangers. Don't assume someone's just not coping or that they can just get over something because our minds are the most powerful part of our body. I'm no expert or a doctor but this is just my experience.
So let's rewind back to June of 2012. My best friend, myself and our mums wanted to have a girly night out to celebrate the end of our GCSE exams and we decided to eat at a local restaurant. I chose my usual chicken caesar salad and treated myself to a slice of chocolate cake for dessert. As the evening went on I began to feel unwell but didn't think too much of it. Needless to say it was definitely something! I had a severe case of food poisoning and I cannot be certain what caused it but i'm 98% percent sure it was the chicken or salad I ate that night. For weeks I was unwell and in that time I only left the house to visit the doctors. It then progressed into July and the time surrounding our year 11 prom in which I was still very much ill and devastatingly couldn't go and I'm still sad about it to this day. When I should of been getting ready with friends, taking pictures and enjoying the night instead I was taking antibiotics and feeling sorry for myself in bed.
So how does this relate to my anxiety?
Well I was stuck at home for about a month so I got very anxious when I had to leave the house incase I suddenly felt unwell. I remember one event in particular when I was shopping with my mum and I wasn't feeling too great and went and sat in the car whilst she finished up. During this time I became very anxious and desperately wanted to go home, I felt completely out of my comfort zone and even though we were 20 minutes it felt like hours.
Fast forward to mid August where we were on holiday in Florida I once again became ill towards the end of our stay. Due to my now very weak digestive system thanks to the food poisoning I picked up whats called "Travellers bug" and my dad took me to A&E section at the nearest hospital.
It was a day or so before our flight home and the doctor I had gave me some meds for the flight.
Well that flight home I felt dreadful and and I believe thats when my anxiety over flying began.
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Clearly I wasn't to ill to take my sunglasses off.
Image curtesy of my father, thanks. |
Since then flying has been a real problem and on each flight I've had a panic attack, not to get too graphic but I repeatedly throw up and cry. Yeah its not pleasant or fun. The most ironic part of this is that I've been doing 8 hour flights since I was 5 months old and I used to be a very good flyer as a child.
Exactly a year ago I was about to get on a plane with my class from college and go on a trip to Iceland. The day before I became very anxious but thought it would just pass. However late that night and early morning I woke up having my worst panic attack yet. I went into my parents room crying and shaking and I made the decision I couldn't go on the trip. I barely slept and felt emotionally and physically drained. My parents tried to reassure me to get me on the trip and at first I think they just thought it was nerves however the longer it lasted the more they realised something was really wrong. I felt awful to have to miss the trip but the thought of being ill away from home was terrifying. I didn't want to repeat what happened in 2013 when we went on a college trip to Barcelona and I became very anxious and felt sick one morning, It was awful to be miles away from home with what felt like no one to look after you. Yes my tutors were there and I know they would of looked after me but it's never as good as having your parents by your side.
My anxiety can crop up at very unusual times but I now realise the main triggers for it and a lot of the time I cope by avoiding those situations (which in the long run is the worst thing you can do and facing a situation is much better). It mainly occurs when travelling is involved such as going on planes or train but also happens if i'm in a place I've never been before or am not familiar with. It can be triggered by situations where it may be deemed odd or rude if I leave early or if I feel I can't for whatever reason leave the situation. One quote that sums up my feelings on anxiety is "It's not the future you're afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious".
My anxiety has made a huge impact on my life and has prevented me from doing lots of things that I would like to do. It was a huge factor to why I left uni and as I said it stopped me from travelling the world. I find myself being more reluctant to attend social events with friends such as going to clubs or staying at friends houses as I need to be able to feel I can leave when I want if I feel anxious or sick and not be once again seen as rude or not fun for leaving earlier than planned.
There are tons of different symptoms and reasons for anxiety and everyone deals with it differently. I personally get this overwhelming fear of dread that leads to my heart racing, I start to get very hot and my senses become heightened. Then naturally when you get anxious your digestive system shuts down as a safety mechanism which makes me feel sick and all round unwell which then escalates my anxiousness of feeling ill and is one big vicious circle.
This post has taken me nearly 2 months to put together as I find it hard to even address this subject and I try to ignore it as much as possible. However since starting this post my anxiety has been more frequent and its frustrating as I can feel it creeping into more and more of my life. I've tried various things over the past year including, before flight medication, counselling and most recently hypnotherapy. No its not swinging watches and I'm not going to suddenly start acting like a chicken when you say a trigger word, in fact you feel/are awake the whole time and its actually extremely relaxing. I wouldn't say anything's cured me but I've become more educated on what my body's trying to tell me and why.
There's so many things I once wanted to achieve and its all been torn down by my anxiety and none of it seems to matter anymore. I am just trying to get from one day to the next without having some serious meltdown and believe me I've felt close to it before. I am so fed up of being restricted to what I can do because I'm too afraid of the if's and possibilities.
I know that there's skeptical people out there thinking how attention seeking, man up or that people have to deal with bigger things than anxiety in their lives. Well those people obviously have never been through it before or seen first hand a friend or family member go through it. Anxiety and panic attacks can be extremely demotivating and debilitating and I've even had a friend essentially imply and say to me "why can't you just get over it". To not understand someones situation is fair enough if you've never gone through it but it's like asking a drug addict "why can't you just stop".
Here's some crazy facts for you about anxiety, teenagers today have as much anxiety as psychiatric patients in the 50's. Studies show that a decrease in social connectedness is partly down to this, we loose contact with friends, move jobs and are less likely to get married. Constant bad media also contributes as a factor. One thing I never knew until after I left is that there was a room at college where students facing anxiety, other mental health or daily problems could go to get away from anyone and relax a little. Its great that this support is there however how many other people like me never knew it was there because they keep it hush hush and low key.
I'm well aware that this post isn't structured very well but I have so much to say and just want to get it all down in some cohering sense. If anything I'm making peers, friends and family members more aware of what I deal with on a weekly basis and what signs to look out for not just with me but with other people. If you are ever out or on public transport and you can tell someone's looking anxious quietly ask them if they are ok and if you can do anything for them to help, even holding there hand because that or a hug can be the biggest relief just so they know that you're there with them. So how can you tell if someones anxious two main signs are that they look very tense and flushed or extremely pale. Here is one of my anxious faces for you to enjoy!
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Another photo curtesy of my dad, he really does
know how to pick his moments. |
As you can see I try and put on a brave face but inside my body is screaming for help and to get me the hell out of that situation.
Currently I can't imagine a life without anxiety and panic attacks and I can't remember a time before it started. It feel's as though it's just always been there. But I don't want it to take over my life because if I do I would never leave the house and completely isolate myself. I wouldn't allow myself to have friends or a boyfriend because I would be too afraid that my anxiety would get in the way and I don't want that. Instead I am trying to push myself every day just to get out of bed not knowing what the day will bring. Yes my anxiety is my baggage but it is not me and I look forward to a day when I can spontaneously go on trips or immediately say yes to doing something with friends.
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| Anxiety strips you of who you really are. |
I'm going to continue working on my Hypnotherapy and have also just bought some books to help with my progress. I'm positive that one day I will beat this and will continue to share my progress.
Now that I've completely shared my issues with the world I feel I'd better stop before I scare everyone that knows me away. If you've read this far then I congratulate you and also thank you for taking the time to read about my anxiety battle.
So if you've got a story to tell wether it be anxiety based or not I encourage you to tell your story because no one is ever alone in what they're feeling.
Until next time,
Sophie x
