Anxiety Journal | My Story | Video

So I recently recorded a video talking about my my experience with anxiety and panic attacks. I did this for those who don't want to sit and read my essay long post that I wrote earlier this year! I hope this video will reach out to those also suffering with anxiety/ panic attacks/ depression or any other mental health issue in hope of showing them that they are not alone. Below I will link my video as well as any anxiety related posts I have put on this blog.

Until next time, Sophie xx

Initial first post on my anxiety:

http://sophiehelyn.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/my-anxiety-nightmare.html

Where are the anxiety storylines?:

http://sophiehelyn.blogspot.co.uk/2015/04/where-are-all-anxiety-storylines.html

Hypnotherapy experience: 

http://sophiehelyn.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/anxiety-journal-my-experience-with.html

Anxiety book reviews:

http://sophiehelyn.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/book-corner-anxiety-books.html

Medication and depression: 

http://sophiehelyn.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/anxiety-journal-medication-and.html

Need professional help?
http://www.mind.org.uk/?gclid=CLK-zIu32McCFUu6GwodqUAHmw

Anxiety Journal | Medication and Depression

So like most of my anxiety posts they're always written pretty spur of the moment when I feel like sharing my thoughts and experiences.

I've been holding off writing this post for a while as the subjects I'm going to talk about are very personal but I feel a shift in how I feel now and think its time to just get it out in the open. 

I'll link my initial anxiety post here for if you want a bit of a back story to my anxiety and how it all started. 

So the main subject I'm going to touch on in this post is about medication and what it can do for anxiety and my experience with taking it. I'll also briefly touch on my depression and how I feel it was linked to my anxiety. 

So back in May I wrote a post about how I had done a series of hypnotherapy sessions which I will again link here. I mentioned that I think it helped to relax me however day to day I didn't feel it was that effective as I was still getting weekly sometimes daily panic attacks. I then said that I felt my next step was to go to the Doctor's and seek some medical help. Usually I'm someone who will hold off taking paracetamol or drugs when possible but for me this was a no brainer step and I felt that this was the right time to try some medication after trying so many different things already. 

After having to wait a couple weeks for an appointment ( how ludicrous) I finally sat down with a doctor and told her about my panic attacks and what I'd already tried to help deal with it. She agreed with me that I hadn't rushed straight into taking pills and that I'd really chosen it as a last resort measure. From there she gave me a prescription for a pill to take once a day and advised to see me again in a months time. She did mention that this pill not only helped for anxiety but they also prescribe it for depression. Now I wont mention what pill I am taking as you really have to have the right one for you, plus its quite personal.

I'm now going to backtrack a little bit. Before, during and after my hypnotherapy sessions I was battling with some depression (that I feel was partly linked to my anxiety). For a while I kept it to myself and thought it would just pass and sometimes it did ... but it would always come back again. At the time I just thought i'd ride it out not tell anyone and hope it would just go away one day. I just didn't want to go to work and even found myself crying whilst driving or in the staff room before a shift, I love my job so I knew something wasn't right. I'd just be really down in the morning about going and would hide how bad I felt through joking about it. Previous to this year I have had spells of depression (especially during my brief time at university). One event that sticks out most to me is when my Dad and I went and saw Jersey Boys perform in the West End in London. I was really looking forward to seeing it and spending some time with my dad but during the show I just felt this wave come over me that prevented me from really enjoying the show and ultimately ruined the experience for me. At the time I just dealt with it by myself didn't tell anybody and I thought I could do the same again this time. 

However one night I was having a particularly bad attack when I just broke down to my mum and confessed everything I was feeling. We agreed it was time to see the doctor.

So I'm about 2 months into taking these pills and I can honestly say that I feel so much better. To start with the panic attacks did get worse and I got one common side effect but that was all to be expected and completely normal. My Mum and other people around me have also said they can see a difference in me and the way Im acting, that I just seem happier. I feel like I can talk about this now because I'm in a different state of mind. I feel a lot more positive about life itself and don't see everything as being such doom and gloom. I'm much more willing to see friends and go out whereas before the pills I literally didn't want to go out or see anyone. I've had a huge amount of support from family and friends both new and old and I'm really grateful that I am able to talk to them about what I am going through.

Since taking my pills *touch wood* I havn't had a panic attack since and things that would usually trigger anxiety havn't been. I really feel positive now about my future and for it to be less about my anxiety and more about me! 

I definitely wouldn't suggest going straight to pills if your suffering with anxiety or panic attacks but I do feel for me that its been the most effective and has been for other people I've talked to who also deal with it. 

Theres such a stigma about mental health especially when taking pills is involved but really who are we to judge something someone can't help?! For me I don't care that I take them because at the end of the day they make me happier and control my anxiety. 

As always if you have any questions or need someone to talk to about anxiety, depression or anything else I'd be more than happy to listen and talk about it. 

Until next time, Sophie x

Anxiety Journal | My experience with hypnotherapy.

So my anxiety related posts always seem to be written in the spur of the moment and I guess I just have to be in the right place mentally to write them as just writing about my anxieties could trigger it. 

Today I'm going to be talking mainly about my experience with hypnotherapy and where I'm currently at with my anxiety. If you havn't read my original anxiety post I suggest you read it to give you a bit of back story on my anxiety, you can read it here. 

So back in February I decided to take the plunge and start hypnotherapy sessions. My uncle had previously had hypno to help him stop smoking and it's been really successful for him therefore I made contact with the same hypnotherapist. She was really nice and told me that hypno lends itself well to treating and coping with anxiety. I was really excited to start my sessions as at this point I was willing to try anything. 

I really had no idea of what to expect from hypnotherapy and all I'd seen is the stereotypical stuff on t.v. where they have a swinging watch and use an activating word. Well let me tell you straight of the bat it's nothing like that! It's actually infuriating that that is people's perception of it and I almost wish it was like what you see on t.v. . 

Overall I have to say it is one of the most relaxing things you can do! It can help in subjects such as having trouble sleeping to eating the wrong kinds of foods! So basically we started off going through what I know triggers my anxiety and what I want to get out of the sessions and from there she could tailor them. 

During the sessions she put on really relaxing music and I sat in a very nice comfy chair. She then started to talk in a very soothing tone. What she talked about differed from session to session and often initially seemed to have nothing to do with my anxiety( but obviously it does link somehow). 90% of the time I just sat there and did nothing but focus on my breathing when instructed. When I came out of my first session I felt so relaxed and lets just say it's a good thing my mum could drive me home because I felt like I'd just had a nap on a cloud! 

So like I said there was no specific word that would relax you but it was all about thinking up a relaxing place and getting into that peaceful mindset. 

In total I had about 6 sessions and yes it was expensive. However if you struggle with anxiety you know that you are willing to do or try anything to help with it. So for me it was a no brainer to spend that every 2-3 weeks for a session. Personally I wouldn't say that I'm cured or that it's made a huge impact on my day to day life. However I havn't yet been on a plane since the sessions and that it what we focused most of our time on therefore I don't know how effective it would be. I have now finished my sessions and would probably go for a couple nearer the time of our holiday just to touch base and re focus. 

I wouldn't not recommend hypnotherapy as every experience and individual problem is different however I don't think mine was as successful as maybe my uncles was.

So now whats next?

Well the main thing I've started doing just this past week is I saw a doctor to talk about starting some medication. Now I'm not ashamed to say that I'm now taking drugs for my anxiety because at the end of the day if it helps me live day to day then I'm all for it. We both agreed that I was sensible and went through counselling and hypno before resorting to medication and I just feel this was the natural next step to take. Since talking openly about my anxiety I have had many family friends tell me how they or someone they know has taken tablets for their anxiety or day to day battles. So far I can't really comment on my medication as it's too early on to say if it helps or not. 

I also want to look int CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help further change the way my mind thinks. 

Leave me a comment or message me privately if you've ever gone through hypnotherapy or have taken medication for anxiety/panic attacks as I'd love to share experiences. As always if you need someone to talk about your anxiety or anything else going on in your life I'm more than happy to listen as I'm a big believer in getting things off of your chest and not letting it build up inside you.

Until next time, Sophie x

My Anxiety Nightmare.

Imagine yourself sat in a restaurant celebrating a friends birthday surrounded by people you know. You're catching up on all the gossip and opening presents. When all of a sudden you get a thought, a thought that should instantly leave your head but it decides to stay. You then become very hot and can't focus on what anyone is saying, your heart starts to race and you start to feel physically sick. You need to leave the situation immediately and get to the safe surroundings of home.
Well that was what happened to me one night last month when I suffered from what was for me just a mild panic attack. Anxiety and panic attacks are something I've struggled with for the past two years and is mainly travel and sickness related, happening mostly on planes or public transport. However lately it has moved more into everyday life and has affected going out with friends, attending uni and going to work. I warn that it's going to be a long post but I urge you to read it to the end.

 Mental health is not talked about as much as it should be and most people don't know how to react to the subject, I should also say that my experience with anxiety could be completely different to the next person's as it covers a variety of triggers and symptoms. I am writing this post to help people understand what some people go through and symptoms to maybe look out for in friends, family members and strangers. Don't assume someone's just not coping or that they can just get over something because our minds are the most powerful part of our body. I'm no expert or a doctor but this is just my experience. 

So let's rewind back to June of 2012. My best friend, myself and our mums wanted to have a girly night out to celebrate the end of our GCSE exams and we decided to eat at a local restaurant. I chose my usual chicken caesar salad and treated myself to a slice of chocolate cake for dessert. As the evening went on I began to feel unwell but didn't think too much of it. Needless to say it was definitely something! I had a severe case of food poisoning and I cannot be certain what caused it but i'm 98% percent sure it was the chicken or salad I ate that night. For weeks I was unwell and in that time I only left the house to visit the doctors. It then progressed into July and the time surrounding our year 11 prom in which I was still very much ill and devastatingly couldn't go and I'm still sad about it to this day. When I should of been getting ready with friends, taking pictures and enjoying the night instead I was taking antibiotics and feeling sorry for myself in bed.
So how does this relate to my anxiety?
Well I was stuck at home for about a month so I got very anxious when I had to leave the house incase I suddenly felt unwell. I remember one event in particular when I was shopping with my mum and I wasn't feeling too great and went and sat in the car whilst she finished up. During this time I became very anxious and desperately wanted to go home, I felt completely out of my comfort zone and even though we were 20 minutes it felt like hours.

Fast forward to mid August where we were on holiday in Florida I once again became ill towards the end of our stay. Due to my now very weak digestive system thanks to the food poisoning I picked up whats called "Travellers bug" and my dad took me to A&E section at the nearest hospital.

It was a day or so before our flight home and the doctor I had gave me some meds for the flight. 

Well that flight home I felt dreadful and and I believe thats when my anxiety over flying began.

Clearly I wasn't to ill to take my sunglasses off.
Image curtesy of my father, thanks.

Since then flying has been a real problem and on each flight I've had a panic attack, not to get too graphic but I repeatedly throw up and cry. Yeah its not pleasant or fun. The most ironic part of this is that I've been doing 8 hour flights since I was 5 months old and I used to be a very good flyer as a child.

Exactly a year ago I was about to get on a plane with my class from college and go on a trip to Iceland. The day before I became very anxious but thought it would just pass. However late that night and early morning I woke up having my worst panic attack yet. I went into my parents room crying and shaking and I made the decision I couldn't go on the trip. I barely slept and felt emotionally and physically drained. My parents tried to reassure me to get me on the trip and at first I think they just thought it was nerves however the longer it lasted the more they realised something was really wrong. I felt awful to have to miss the trip but the thought of being ill away from home was terrifying. I didn't want to repeat what happened in 2013 when we went on a college trip to Barcelona and I became very anxious and felt sick one morning, It was awful to be miles away from home with what felt like no one to look after you. Yes my tutors were there and I know they would of looked after me but it's never as good as having your parents by your side.

My anxiety can crop up at very unusual times but I now realise the main triggers for it and a lot of the time I cope by avoiding those situations (which in the long run is the worst thing you can do and facing a situation is much better). It mainly occurs when travelling is involved such as going on planes or train but also happens if i'm in a place I've never been before or am not familiar with. It can be triggered by situations where it may be deemed odd or rude if I leave early or if I feel I can't for whatever reason leave the situation. One quote that sums up my feelings on anxiety is "It's not the future you're afraid of. It's repeating the past that makes you anxious".

My anxiety has made a huge impact on my life and has prevented me from doing lots of things that I would like to do. It was a huge factor to why I left uni and as I said it stopped me from travelling the world. I find myself being more reluctant to attend social events with friends such as going to clubs or staying at friends houses as I need to be able to feel I can leave when I want if I feel anxious or sick and not be once again seen as rude or not fun for leaving earlier than planned.

There are tons of different symptoms and reasons for anxiety and everyone deals with it differently. I personally get this overwhelming fear of dread that leads to my heart racing, I start to get very hot and my senses become heightened. Then naturally when you get anxious your digestive system shuts down as a safety mechanism which makes me feel sick and all round unwell which then escalates my anxiousness of feeling ill and is one big vicious circle.

This post has taken me nearly 2 months to put together as I find it hard to even address this subject and I try to ignore it as much as possible. However since starting this post my anxiety has been more frequent and its frustrating as I can feel it creeping into more and more of my life. I've tried various things over the past year including, before flight medication, counselling and most recently hypnotherapy. No its not swinging watches and I'm not going to suddenly start acting like a chicken when you say a trigger word, in fact you feel/are awake the whole time and its actually extremely relaxing. I wouldn't say anything's cured me but I've become more educated on what my body's trying to tell me and why.

There's so many things I once wanted to achieve and its all been torn down by my anxiety and none of it seems to matter anymore. I am just trying to get from one day to the next without having some serious meltdown and believe me I've felt close to it before. I am so fed up of being restricted to what I can do because I'm too afraid of the if's and possibilities.

I know that there's skeptical people out there thinking how attention seeking, man up or that people have to deal with bigger things than anxiety in their lives. Well those people obviously have never been through it before or seen first hand a friend or family member go through it. Anxiety and panic attacks can be extremely demotivating and debilitating and I've even had a friend essentially imply and say to me "why can't you just get over it". To not understand someones situation is fair enough if you've never gone through it but it's like asking a drug addict "why can't you just stop". 

Here's some crazy facts for you about anxiety, teenagers today have as much anxiety as psychiatric patients in the 50's. Studies show that a decrease in social connectedness is partly down to this, we loose contact with friends, move jobs and are less likely to get married. Constant bad media also contributes as a factor. One thing I never knew until after I left is that there was a room at college where students facing anxiety, other mental health or daily problems could go to get away from anyone and relax a little. Its great that this support is there however how many other people like me never knew it was there because they keep it hush hush and low key.

I'm well aware that this post isn't structured very well but I have so much to say and just want to get it all down in some cohering sense. If anything I'm making peers, friends and family members more aware of what I deal with on a weekly basis and what signs to look out for not just with me but with other people. If you are ever out or on public transport and you can tell someone's looking anxious quietly ask them if they are ok and if you can do anything for them to help, even holding there hand because that or a hug can be the biggest relief just so they know that you're there with them. So how can you tell if someones anxious two main signs are that they look very tense and flushed or extremely pale. Here is one of my anxious faces for you to enjoy!

Another photo curtesy of my dad, he really does
 know how to pick his moments.

As you can see I try and put on a brave face but inside my body is screaming for help and to get me the hell out of that situation.

Currently I can't imagine a life without anxiety and panic attacks and I can't remember a time before it started. It feel's as though it's just always been there. But I don't want it to take over my life because if I do I would never leave the house and completely isolate myself. I wouldn't allow myself to have friends or a boyfriend because I would be too afraid that my anxiety would get in the way and I don't want that. Instead I am trying to push myself every day just to get out of bed not knowing what the day will bring. Yes my anxiety is my baggage but it is not me and I look forward to a day when I can spontaneously go on trips or immediately say yes to doing something with friends.

Anxiety strips you of who you really are.

I'm going to continue working on my Hypnotherapy and have also just bought some books to help with my progress. I'm positive that one day I will beat this and will continue to share my progress.


Now that I've completely shared my issues with the world I feel I'd better stop before I scare everyone that knows me away. If you've read this far then I congratulate you and also thank you for taking the time to read about my anxiety battle.

So if you've got a story to tell wether it be anxiety based or not I encourage you to tell your story because no one is ever alone in what they're feeling.

Until next time, Sophie x