Why I left university after a week.

So this post has taken a long time to start writing and to be honest I have no idea what I'm going to say. There's a lot of reasons and feelings in my head and I feel that I need to address them if only to myself and so I can look back at this decades from now. I don't want to try and persuade people to "drop out" (god I hate that term, it suggests I wasn't trying and not working towards my grades) but if just one person stumbles across this post and it helps them realise uni isn't right for them then writing this has been worth it. Yes a week seems a very quick amount of time to make such a big decision but unless you live in someone's shoes or have gone through the same feelings and experience then you will never quite understand.  I know that from the title there will be a lot of judgement and i'm not trying to justify it to you because for me it was the right thing to do so I just ask that you take the time to read why I left uni after just one week. 

So let's start at the beginning. I was one of those people who (thought they) knew the path they wanted to take. I knew I wanted to pursue photography and therefore took a two year extended BTEC course at college. From there the obvious next path for me was to go to uni and specialise further in the field. For me this was photojournalism with an interest in sport and live music. So I applied to various university's, went to the interviews and got offered multiple places. I then confirmed my offer payed for my housing and applied for my student finance. All seemed great, I bought stuff for my new room and packed everything up ready to make the move. To where? Cardiff and the University of South Wales. I was excited but extremely nervous at the same time (which is obviously expected). So the 20th of September rolls around and I wake up extremely emotional; from waking up to saying goodbye to the pets and leaving the house I cried. I suddenly realised how real all of this was and that I was about to become completely independent and self reliable. To some that sounds great but to me that sounded terrifying, yes call me sheltered or not grown up but ever since I turned 18 just over a month before the prospect of officially being an adult was something I just wasn't ready to face. I felt that i was given too many responsibilities too quickly (if even in reality it wasn't that much) maybe that comes with being a summer baby and growing up with peers who are almost a year older than you.

So it took a long 3-4 hours and around midday we got to Cardiff and my accommodation. It then took us about 2 hours to unpack all of my stuff... and boy was there a lot. As you can see from the pictures below the room was amazing! It featured a double bed, tones of storage, and an en-suite with a rainfall shower head. It felt somewhat like a hotel and I have nothing bad to say about the actual accommodation because they were more than friendly and helpful and I would completely recommend Student Castle to anyone, especially if they are studying at the Atrium.

I was along with one other person two of the last people to move into out 7 group flat, as most of my other flatmates wanted to take advantage of going out despite it being the weekend before Freshers. I quickly realised that this left me with very little kitchen space as they of course had claimed their own spaces. Yes that was partly my fault arriving late but I didn't want to come in on the first day and start negotiating cupboard and fridge space. I also realised that 4 of my flatmates seemed to already know each other which was a massive coincidence but made it harder to socialise with them.

Now I admit I can be quite a quiet person and don't find it as easy as others to socialise. However I found that they were all really welcoming and friendly and that really had nothing to do with my leaving... except for the fact that a certain few were really messy and coming from what I like to think is a really clean house, I just couldn't face dealing with it day on end.

So that Saturday night I went out with my parents for a final dinner and I just had the looming feeling that it was all building up to them leaving the next day. That night was probably the easiest night though as I knew I would still see them the next day. Sunday came and I cried on the phone to my parents, it was decided that my mum would take the train home and my dad would stay in Cardiff for the week so he could do work but also to keep an eye on me. Now that being said It's not as if I get homesick easily or can't be away from my parents as I've been on various school trips to the likes of Berlin and Barcelona, however the difference is that I was surrounded by people I knew and could trust. In Cardiff I felt like I knew no one,yes we have some family friends in Cardiff but I see them very rarely and even though I know they would do anything for me in a crisis I felt that I didn't have a close circle of people around.

So the following few days are now a bit of a blur to me but here are the basic facts.  That weekend and the following week I suffered with the flu/cold. Firstly this prevented me from going in to my first few introductory lectures (also during freshers week) so I felt I missed out on that initial bonding with class mates and when I did go in it seemed as if everyone had made their little groups of friends and I felt quite isolated as I sat through a lecture with no one talking to me.  Because I was ill I naturally didn't want to go out drinking and partying for Freshers. This didn't bother me that much though as I am definitely not big on drinking heavily and going to clubs. During that week I stayed at my dads flat because who doesn't want their family to look after them when their ill rather than being isolated in noisy halls. In that sense I limited how much time I got to know my flatmates however when your trying to sleep I definitely didn't need to hear doors slamming and late night pre drinks parties.During that first week my anxiety was high, mainly set off by being ill. I plan to write a separate blog post on this but in a nutshell the main focus of my anxiety and panic attacks sources from being ill and not being able to get home/a safe place. Therefor being ill in an unfamiliar city and the thought of  being sick in lectures was overwhelmingly scary and unimaginable. I found myself crying in the shopping centre and waking up at 4 in the morning with my heart racing and feeling sick. During this time I was very thankful that my Dad was around, not only did he encourage me to try to get out but also knew that I just wasn't happy and I also recognised that in myself. One poignant moment was when we were sat having lunch in Wagamama's and usually I would be really happy to be out spending time with my dad but knowing at some point I would have to go back to my halls overshadowed my happiness. That same mealtime was spent listing pros and cons of staying at uni, needless to say there weren't many pros.

Somewhere through that week I realised that the uni experience just wasn't right for me. The mixture of feeling isolated, missing what was familiar, having increasing panic attacks and thinking my course was a little repetitive to what I had done at college resulted in me filling in my withdrawal letter. So on Tuesday the 30th of September just 10 days after arriving in Cardiff I gave in my letter to the uni and walked out feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted and I finally smiled since being there. With this I want to say that I still really recommend the Uni of South Wales the facilities and location are both amazing and my tutor was extremely supportive with my withdrawal.

That same Tuesday we packed up all of my stuff (luckily we were able to relet my room the same day! It was fate) and drove back home. I was very happy.

Bye Bye Cardiff.

Then the realisation hit that what was I going to do? I thought I had the next three years planned and now I had nothing. I took a few days just to reflect, relax and think of what I wanted to do next. What came from that was knowing that I needed to find a job of some sort and so I looked to retail. I handed in a few cv's that were advertising for xmas staff but a week later and I still hadn't heard anything. Then one Sunday Mum and I went to a vintage fair and whilst we were there I decided it was worth handing in a few more cv's. I handed in one to Waterstones as they were advertising and then decided to try my luck in a shop that wasn't. They took my cv and within 20 minutes in which we were driving home they phoned my to see how available I was, seeing as I wasn't at uni I was completely flexible and they offered me a phone interview later that day. I then passed that and they offered me a face to face interview. Then an hour later again on our way home they offered me the job! Nearly 3 months later and they've offered me a permanent place and I'm thrilled to be working there. All in all it was a month or so between leaving uni and starting my new job, in that time I kept myself busy by helping out at home and largely by creating my dads new website to showcase his antique slot machines which you can see here.

It's not what I originally planned on doing but for now I'm happy. I don't know how long I want to work there wether it acts like a gap year or is for a few years. I still want to pursue my photography in some way particularly in live music( You can visit my photography website here.) After I left I was the one being hard on myself for leaving, I felt like I'd not only let myself down but my family down(even though they didn't think that). I would of been the first one of my mothers immediate family to go to uni and it saddens me that my nan knew I would be going to university before she passed yet I didn't fulfil that dream. However I learnt that my family is super important to me and will support me no matter what path I decide to take. Yes I self doubt myself a lot and often think that  I might be in retail forever on a lowish wage. It scares me not knowing what the future holds and that my photography may simply end up being a hobby. What I do know is that everything happens for a reason and that I just have to live day to day and see what happens.

So that's my experience on uni if only a short one. This was a super big decision for me to make and one that shouldn't be done lightly. I talked to family, friends and uni advisors about my options but at the end of the day only you can make the final decision. There is no point being unhappy and in debt just to say "I graduated from university" or fulfil a family member's dream. Many people don't go and still become super successful and fulfilled with their lives. No one should be made to feel not good enough or disappointed in because they decide to leave in fact you have made one of the most maturest decisions of your so far short life. I left within a week, many leave after a year or two but everyone's experience is individual and remember you can always reapply to a different uni or a different course at a later date. For me though I can't see this happening or at least for the near future. I've only scratched the surface in this post but for now I think that's enough, congratulations if you made it the whole way through! 

Thanks for reading, Sophie x